Emotion Coaching
Oh, emotions. I really can't tell you how many times I have pondered on them: why they happen, their effects, what to do with them, what their purpose is. They can wreak havoc, bring joy, lower you to the deepest depths, cause everything to change among a million other things. They are kind of like wild stallions that left on their own will run free ,to the rider's detriment or not. I feel they are so misunderstood and mistreated by many. Some people just throw them in a stable and leave them there until they build up enough energy to burst out, just to be packed back in. Some people let them run wild. Some people have learned to ride and have trained them. These people- knowingly or not- have taken part in some emotion coaching.
In the words of Dr. John Gottman emotion coaching "uses moments of heightened emotion and resulting behavior to guide and teach the child and young person about more effective responses." (https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/). In other words it acknowledges the stallions in your life, their effects, and some effective responses for handling them.
So how is it done?
There are five steps:
The first step is to be aware of you child's emotions. Is your child stomping, sulking, crying, laughing, giggling, dancing? What do you see in their face? What do your parental instincts say? What are they feeling right now? Each child shows emotions in a little different way- learn the ways that your child shows them.
The second step is to recognize your child's expression of emotion as a time for intimacy and teaching. The child is crying or laughing or whatever it may be- reach out to them, connect with them in that emotional state. Ask them how they are feeling in that moment.
The third step is to listen with empathy and to validate their feelings. "I don't like Susie!" "Yes you do!"- that is not validating, that is denying or dismissing. "I don't like Susie!" "I see that, you look so mad right now." - that is a validating response. So often we want to dismiss emotions because we do not perceive them as acceptable, but all emotions are acceptable. What isn't at times is our response to them, but not the emotions themselves.
The fourth step is to help your child learn to label their emotions with words. Take the example I just used: "I don't like Susie!" "I see that, you look so mad right now." You can help your child learn about emotions by labeling them, pointing them out so they aren't some mysterious force but rather a recognizable feeling. Over time the child can learn to label them all on their own, which is such a powerful tool for emotional growth.
The fifth and final step is to set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately. So now they are in an emotionally safe environment, know what emotion they are feeling, now you can help them find appropriate ways of handling that emotion. You can also set limits and point out ways that are not appropriate. Often it will be a little bit of both.
The effects of emotion coaching a significant. They can grow up to be active learners, ready to explore their surroundings emotionally, physically, mentally. They will be physically healthier, more able to get along with peers and handle academic situations, as well as feeling more self-confidence. And they will be more able to embrace and tame the wild stallions in their lives. What a blessing that would be to give a child!
Until next time,
Rachelle
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